I know, I am doing terrible at keeping my blog updated. I have tried to write several times, but I get writer's block, which makes me super frustrated, and in the end I just give up , and put it off for another day. So here I am again feeling a little guilty for not writing... and yet not wanting to do it. Are you sick of my excuses yet? Ok, Here goes. Hope you can make sense of this. 
I miss HOME. I miss the comfortable, familarness (Is that even a word?!). I feel so selfish, I feel like I should always love it here, and never want to be anywhere else, but there it is. I miss my friends, and cold winter days, I miss coffees, and wearing normal clothes. And It all sounds selfish to me... is it wrong? I really Don't know? I know I am where the Lord wants me, and I am willing to stay here as long as he wants but some days it just feels harder than others. 
I have been praying, and thinking, and praying some more about my life here. These last couple of months have been hard on me. I felt like I had to make a decision about whether I could stay here forever, or if I was hoping to go home at some point. I love Bangladesh, and I love people here. But as I have been dwelling on it, I see my many weaknesses, deep down I know I am not strong enough. I will never be Bengali, I'll always be american. I don't want this life forever. Just last month I was saying of course I could! Maybe I'll even marry a Bengali guy! My family and some close friends, came to me put before me the reality of what I was saying. That they didn't want me to make a mistake. I was annoyed because I wanted to be right, I wanted to do those things, I wanted to be strong enough. I CAN do it! I pictured myself being the perfect missionary girl, committing for life, marrying a Bengali life, being really good at being poor (ha!), Having really cute kids, and being happy here. But it wasn't reality and feel like now more than ever God is revealing that to me. Oh my word. Is this making any sense at all. I have cried so often, trying to desperately to figure it out. I know what I want, and I tried to apply those fantasies and dreams to Bangladesh, and as much as I wanted it too it just didn't fit... Anyways. I'm not sure how to end this because I haven't  really come to a conclusion about all this... just one of those things I guess.