I know, I am doing terrible at keeping my blog updated. I have tried to write several times, but I get writer's block, which makes me super frustrated, and in the end I just give up , and put it off for another day. So here I am again feeling a little guilty for not writing... and yet not wanting to do it. Are you sick of my excuses yet? Ok, Here goes. Hope you can make sense of this. 
I miss HOME. I miss the comfortable, familarness (Is that even a word?!). I feel so selfish, I feel like I should always love it here, and never want to be anywhere else, but there it is. I miss my friends, and cold winter days, I miss coffees, and wearing normal clothes. And It all sounds selfish to me... is it wrong? I really Don't know? I know I am where the Lord wants me, and I am willing to stay here as long as he wants but some days it just feels harder than others. 
I have been praying, and thinking, and praying some more about my life here. These last couple of months have been hard on me. I felt like I had to make a decision about whether I could stay here forever, or if I was hoping to go home at some point. I love Bangladesh, and I love people here. But as I have been dwelling on it, I see my many weaknesses, deep down I know I am not strong enough. I will never be Bengali, I'll always be american. I don't want this life forever. Just last month I was saying of course I could! Maybe I'll even marry a Bengali guy! My family and some close friends, came to me put before me the reality of what I was saying. That they didn't want me to make a mistake. I was annoyed because I wanted to be right, I wanted to do those things, I wanted to be strong enough. I CAN do it! I pictured myself being the perfect missionary girl, committing for life, marrying a Bengali life, being really good at being poor (ha!), Having really cute kids, and being happy here. But it wasn't reality and feel like now more than ever God is revealing that to me. Oh my word. Is this making any sense at all. I have cried so often, trying to desperately to figure it out. I know what I want, and I tried to apply those fantasies and dreams to Bangladesh, and as much as I wanted it too it just didn't fit... Anyways. I'm not sure how to end this because I haven't  really come to a conclusion about all this... just one of those things I guess. 

Cher Monde,

Jackson has been saving his money since October so he could take Caley and I out for our birthdays. We have been so busy though, that it keeps getting put off. Last night, we found ourselves alone with nothing to do, and decided the time had come to celebrate. We decided on going swimming at the Long beach hotel. Surprisingly enough  Coxs has some of the nicest hotels I have ever seen, and long beach is one of them! I wasn't it really into it, but everyone was going so I decided to just force myself. I will never regret that! :) It was amazing! There were 3 pools, and a Hot tub! It was just our family in the pool, and us girls got to wear shorts! Glorious shorts! hehe.... they made me feel white, and I will admit I was rather paranoid about it! They served us tea, and cookies, and we just sat in the hot tub, and enjoyed each others company. I love having people around, and everyday we have people with our family... but last night it really was 'just' our family. and I realized I missed it. We really needed that. Then the cherry on top...Hot showers! The things we take for granted in the states... I was in heaven! I never wanted to get out! It was probably my favorite part about the evening haha!   Now I'm sipping my coffee this morning, enjoying the calm before, well, the chaos. ;) Here is to a great day! 

Waiting.

Cher monde, 
I'm starting to realize how much I regret not keeping up with blogging/journaling these last few months. So I am going to try again. :) 
This morning started out with church, as I sat there singing with these precious saints, in a different language. I felt overwhelmed. Despite everything, language barriers, different cultures, skin colors, you name it... we were worshiping the exact same God. and it was beautiful.  These last few weeks have been hard, the Lord has been showing me things about myself that aren't easy. I need to let go of everything, and just hold on to God. Stop worrying about the future, and just seek His will for today. I don't have all the answers, and I don't know what tomorrow holds, but it's ok because He does. And there is such peace in that. 
I'm the kind of person that just decides I am going to do something without thinking it through, or really praying about it. I start talking about doing it, I start telling everyone I'm going to do it, and I never take the time to face the reality of what I'm saying. And I am usually wrong, and I have made many,many mistakes. Luckily for me I serve a merciful, patient,loving God who always takes me and tells me " Just trust me" "Stop worrying" "It's all under control". I have zero patience, and waiting has never been my strong point,but it seems to be what he is teaching me these days" Just wait. Quit making your own plans. Trust me. Wait, and it will all work out. " 
So I am really praying that the Lord will give me contentment in today, even if it means I'm not doing nursing or getting married. It might mean just cleaning the house. loving on my little brothers, or even serving my parents coffee. If it's His will for today,  it's all going to be alright. and it's exactly what I need to be doing.